I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
