Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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