I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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