He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
