You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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