We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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