omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
he just fucked me for my cheese.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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