whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
