so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
