This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
