I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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