She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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