God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
MIDGETS
????
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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