i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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