worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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