How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
