i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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