I smell stomach acid.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
