What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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