My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
