you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
