If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
