i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
