Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
