I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
