when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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