if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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