at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you made out with another girl for some wings
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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