I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
