just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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