Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
