Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
