I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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