Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
