Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
