On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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