I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
