U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
