Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
