That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
