Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
