my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
