he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
