I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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