I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
