He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The power of my boobs compel you
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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