How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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