Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
