Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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