I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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